Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Emotional abuse is often minimized, yet it can leave deep and lasting scars. It is recognised psychological violence often escalates into physical abuse and even murder, be it by the abuser or abused. (We have all heard of cases where an abused person has been granted immunity from serving a gaol term for killing their abusive partner.)
Considering the relative size of the average man compared with the average woman, men can inflict more pain with their fists than women can and are more able to restrain an abusive partner. Women tend to lash out emotionally and psychologically. Studies have suggested that up 40% of men have been physically abused by their partners and up to 90% of men have experienced psychological abuse of varying degrees. Abused men can experience emotional hurt, helplessness, fear, sadness, anger, stress, revenge seeking, shame and humiliation, depression, psychological distress, and psychosomatic symptoms.
The recognition of physical domestic violence gained momentum in the 1970's, laws made and numerous studies undetaken. On the other hand, psychological violence remains very much neglected. This year, France is to become the first country in the world to ban 'psychological violence' within marriage. The law is expected to cover every kind of insult including repeated rude remarks about a partner's appearance, false allegations and threats of physical violence. This law applies to both men and women equally.
Like Frances new law, domestic violence research generally has been confined to people in relationships. I have been unable to find any studies that focus on the psychological violence that goes on during separation proceedings, custody and child support battles. Anyone who has gone through the Family Court or the CSA process can tell you psychological violence is well and truly alive, being encouraged by these institutions and it's followers.
It is said over 70% of women involved in contested child custody cases accuse their former partner of violence, that around 90% of these accusers fabricate the accusations to benefit their case. In a number of States and Territories, a women whom sucessfuly obtains a Domestic Violence Order or Restraining Order against their former spouse, are eligible for free or low cost legal representation. That the courts will grant an immediate interim Restraining Order and continuance, even if at contested hearing the accusations are proven false, on the mere heresay the woman 'fears' her ex may become violent. Given such orders, the father may find himself homeless or couch surfing, facing an uncertain future, paying for legal representation or having to self represent, the mother interim custody of the children, Women utilising free legal representation account for more court appearances, often with a subtle vindictive or vexatious nature. Any property settlement remains in limbo pending on outcome of child custody case, debts such as a mortgage most likely paid by the father.
A survey done by Cosmopolitan magazine a few years ago had thousands of repsondents. It concluded women were responsible for nearly 90% of relationship breakdowns, the main reason given due to 'falling out of love'. It found that women planned their separation up to two years before doing so, were usually fully briefed on what to expect and what processes to follow. Around 85% of these women believed their partner were taken by 'total surprise' at their ending the relationship.
The average guy who finds himself in a custody battle, in what he believes to be in the best interest of the children, is likely to have suffered from psychological abuse in his former relationship and remains affected by it. The abuse escalates through false accusations and they given credence by the justice system. His former partner continues the harassment through excessive court appearances. His character soiled, bank account diminished, loss of income due to lawyer consultations and court appearances, dependency on the mother to when and/or if he sees his kids. Stress and frustration causes him to behave out of character.
The mother with assurances from her legal representation, maps out her future. Maintains the rage, keep custody of the children at all costs, stay put until property settlement, is financially supported by the government, nights out with the girls, etc; Life as normal without a partner.
The mother having interim custody of the children applies for Child Support. She having spilled her version out to them, told them of the court orders and what a deadbeat her ex is. Dad gets notification he has to pay 'x' amount based on his previous years earnings. Dad tells them he can't afford that much, he has had to set up new accommodation, pay for lawyers, still paying debts from the relationship, over compensates spending on the children due to the situation, loss of income due to appointments and court, possible loss of job due to stress and/or excessive time off. CSA tells him to apply for a Change of Assessment, takes 3 months, pays what he can and gets letters of demand from CSA for the remainder. CoA allows minimal change if any at all. The CSA considers him a 'risk' and garnishes his income.
His lawyer long ago told him the system is against him so to expect very little. If the father has the strength and resources to get to the final hearing for custody, he finds the mothers lawyer promotes the Restraining Order, his lack of adequate accommodation, his unstable income, his failure to pay full child support, erratic behaviour and so on. How the mother has maintained a stable environment for the children and her nurturing nature that the children respond to. The court takes all into consideration, it's unscripted policies and awards the majority of care to the mother. The father walks from court a beaten man.
The above-mentioned generalised scenario is a demonstration of how psychological violence against fathers is institutionalised in Australia. Fathers walk away from their family because of it. Our children witness it and react adversely to it. Dads commit murder and suicide because of it. The list is endless. IT HAS TO STOP !
Family Courts Violence Review , October 2009, pdf download
http://www.mensrights.com.au/FC%20Violence%20Review%20MRA%20reply2%20revised.pdf
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